This blog came about from an a deep girly chat I had with another single mother like myself, over a lovely dinner. We spoke while eating about what it would be like to date another man and how we would ever go about dating someone new. The mother I spoke to, was worried about the lack of child care in her life to be able to venture out and have some "Mummy time".
She wondered how she would date a new guy when just about 24/7 is spent being a mum and doing all things mum related. I spoke to her about my nervousness surrounding dating someone new, I wondered about how I would sit and chat away - to, what would be in my fantasy, a lovely kind hearted handsome man, who would be staring into my eyes. The very thought of this, made my heart sink and my hands sweat...just by me talking to a new potential guy.... oh the embarrassment... the amount of times my face has gone bright red just talking to another man I have found attractive... YIKES....
Now you may think that at my age of 31 years - I would be anything but shy about encountering another man and spending a little time chatting away....BUT this is not the case, for I have spent a whopping "7 YEARS" single..... YESS... 7 YEARS.....An still in those 7 years I have been celibate - as in no intimate connection whatsoever - so you may understand my nervousness over both being close to another man and dating again!
When I wrote this blog, it was with the intention of writing just a very small little piece, all on the subject of dating again, and also the troubles I have experienced being a single mother. BUT - then I bravely decided to write just that little bit more, from the heart.
If you would like to know just a piece more, then by all means - read on :)
Just a little snippet of my life- past relationships
Being a single parent is truly a solo journey, it doesn't always come with much support from family and friends nor does it give with much room to find a special someone to have in your life. Ten years ago, I first became a single mother after a three year relationship with a man who was far from prince charming! And I found the very thought of being a single mother scary, as I never saw the day when I would be in the position were I was alone and with a small child.
It took me a long while, a year to be exact after I broke up with the father of my child, to really start to get used to life as a single parent. I was still healing from the heartbreak- And then one day, in light of a change in my life. I began wondering how life would be like if I dated another man. I sat and pondered whether I would ever have the confidence to trust love again. Then that time came, unexpectedly, and to my surprise. I met a tall, dark man with an accent.
It came from weeks of talking, laughing, having nights where we would have deep thoughts about life, about love, even about the most random things imaginable. I loved these conversations as they took my mind away from him...the father of my child. It gave me hope for future relationships to come. The talking and laughing became a regular occurrence, but I still viewed it as the passing of time, something that was not relationship orientated ...little did I know, it was in fact, the beginning of something more...
For weeks I tried to ignore my feelings, I tried to do everything not to bump into this man, in the hopes that I would loose feelings for him. I am single mother I thought, this is silly, I have a daughter to look after, I have other things to deal with, I just need to ignore him. But, here is the thing - sometimes you can't avoid your feelings, and if the other person is equally feeling as you are, then that person would not really give up so easily. You see, this new guy liked me enough to pursue me.
At just 23 years old, I was so scared to love again, to open my heart to another. I was scared of letting myself feel once more. After all - I had my break broken once before and...I never saw myself loving again. I guess, that's what a three year relationship will do and especially when you both lived together and shared a child.
But - here I was, in all my insecurities, confronted by a new man, who wasn't the father of my child, and my heart pounded, every time I saw him. So what was I to do?? I sat on my bed at night and thought about him and I - And although I had these fluttery feelings in my stomach, of something new, I also had this deep feeling of dread. In my head this was never going to work out, why should it I thought, the last relationship didn't.
AND THEN.....JUST LIKE THAT....the day came when I let myself feel, I gave into this excitement of the new, to the comfort of someone else. BUT - was I really ready?
Despite this lingering question - I gave my number to this tall and dark man who I spent many hours with. To be fair even my daughter liked him. I couldn't believe how happy he made me feel, and I never lost that excitement for him..not in that whole year we was together...not even for a second.
As time went by, we spent much hours together, weeks at a time away from London, living as though we were a perfect couple. People in the streets would say we were a cute couple. What a lucky woman I was I thought, to find love again - and in the most unlikely circumstances.
BUT all was not what I had thought....
In that year, things turned sour and the rose tinted glasses came off my face - you see here is the thing, not all relationships end up being the right one....As it is stated many times in all those relationship books you may read, there is a clear difference in genuine love and something that is not what it seems - to be quite frank, you can lust for someone or love someone and yet that does not guarantee a happy ever after. As I found out...down the line...once more...
Our relationship was tactile, which was one of the things I loved. We used to lay and watch movies together, go on walks, go away together, have meaningful conversations - BUT...there was something missing, something I still yearned for... 'Acceptance' - why you may say? Well...although this man was all that one could have hoped as a single parent, you know he was good with my daughter, even treated her as his own -BUT a lot just did not add up....
After a year together, you would think that your partner would introduce you to his family, and even his friends.... to have some acknowledgement of your 'togetherness' in his world. Yet, this was not the case with our relationship, the more I felt for him, I started to realise the feelings were not mutual. Then the questions came, like the dreaded one I once felt before we dated, the question of "WHAT AM I TO YOU?" OR "WHAT IS THIS?" - both questions are ones you shouldn't be asking after a year of time spent together, because by that time you should know each other pretty well right?!
These questions were the main reason I did not pursue him in the beginning because of the fear of being heartbroken.
Even our first Valentines day was a complete disaster, I have no idea why I thought it should have been a good one. After all, it started to dawn on me that this relationship had its time....the excitement was really over, but the longing was there....but not for him, it was for the feeling of wanting to be feel genuinely loved by another.
That last Valentines I had...which is now 7 going 8 years ago...was just like the one I had with the father of my child a few years before... it was happening again.....my heart was breaking. Now, I won't go into great details of why & how about the end in this blog, some things I guess are better left as they are - which is in the past.
But what I will say is this, he got me a bracelet for that Valentines Day and it looked like something he had just picked off the shelve in his mother's unwanted jewellery box.... it was scruffy and wooden and not the most attractive thing.....I could tell that not much thought had gone into it.... but to be honest, why would there be any thought? - the facts were crystal clear, in all that time we had been together, had spent together, I found that he never really knew me, nor I him. He had cut any real emotion out of our connection and I was too inexperienced to see it for a long time.
I realised that I had been ignoring the reality of the situation... and worse of all, I had opened my heart to this new guy despite my gut feeling of dread, despite feeling nervous to feel again, and most importantly, my daughter was fond of him.....in the end - we broke up quite quickly and without a goodbye - and that really is the end of that!
Lesson from this experience : The thing about life is this, you can't go through it without any upset, or heartbreak! Indeed somewhere down the line you will feel pain....from family, from partners, from even friends! There can be no denying that...life is about feeling - both the good with the bad... and no matter how much guarded I had made myself after the break up with the father of my child...somewhere down the line - I would, within time, feel for another again.
You see - when you open your heart to something or someone, there is always that risk of being let down, of being rejected.... or of being left out in the freezing cold - so my question to you is -So what then? what do you say? Do you never again feel love for another? Do we then shut ourselves off from connecting with another? And lastly - Do we just exist just as we are and never change, never transform into someone more beautiful -more wise, a deeper level of understanding of what a REAL & TRUE commitment is and looks like?
The answer to all above questions is this ....we don’t just exist - we don’t shut ourselves up from truthfully loving again- because to be quite frank - that way of life is a very lonely one. - You see, I accepted and forgave the fact that I did fall for a new man, I did open my heart to another...and in doing so, I did nothing wrong. I felt deeply, I went with my feelings with innocence. And yes heartbreak came once more - but I lived and that is what makes me human, it is what makes US ALL human!
And in feeling and allowing that heart chakra to open up wide and receive love - we are unfortunately along the way, bound to make a few mistakes...and that folks, is also a part of being human! So in knowing this fact, as bold and as out there as it is- my heart 7 years on, is less heavy..... being older and more wiser. I know where things may have turned out better, if I had just noticed some of the warning signs along the way that weren't good. To be truthful I did not see those red flags for what they were from the beginning - If I had of done, I may have saved myself deep heartache.
You see - that was my lesson and is still my lesson - to notice the signs when your gut tells you NO - ask yourself why are they telling you no? first thing comes to mind is - is it for protection because of past hurts? or is it something more worse like the person is non committal! As in....he dates many women and has no intention of settling down with someone he/she truly loves in deep in their heart.
If your answer to the question the NO - I can't be with them- then- What is it about the person that is a NO? What are the Positives? Weigh it up- and rely on your OWN instincts. Sometimes the NO is just because we are scared to welcome New Love into our hearts - so understand why No? Is it out of fear to love again? Or is the person not genuine?
QUOTE to Rely on - "When someone shows you who they really are and not in a good way, believe them and walk away"
And because of this new guy that came into my life, I can say I learnt one main thing, - I come first, me first and foremost - and secondarily - to only date when ready... and thirdly - NOT to rush into dating just because it feels exciting and new. And - if I do feel for someone, always be aware of their intentions behind things...be present in the moment a little more and be open but not too open. Finally, last but not least, know when to say goodbye!!
These things I believe, will keep ones feet firmly on the ground, and not leave you flying all over the place like a balloon lost in the strong winds.
So what now? to date or not to date? - To be quite honest, I haven't got the answer yet, nearly 8 years single and celibate! I have spent the better part of these years since the last break up sorting my life out, with pursuing my dreams, in graduating in with a BA HONS in theatre and drama and in creating my solo performance. I have written one for an online digital magazine called ‘Mama Wins’ and I am about to have another two part article published. I am even writing my second play...and of course...I am also writing these blogs for my website here, which is so fun.
In the midst of this all and first and foremost- I am a single mother - so what is in store for the near future I do not know.
Will I fall in love again? ... I hope to one day, and that will be then, when it is time. BUT for now, I still have some things to do for me first. And if I happen to meet a lovely romantic and kind hearted genuine gentleman along the way - then again, that will be then.