Introduction
2019, A New Year, it is a time when people wish for the best year possible. At this time, five days in to new beginnings, all are taking down Christmas trees, and decorations. Making plans for this year and are setting new goals.
But for me... and in this New Year of 2019 - I am sadly about to loose a family member who meant so much to me. Despite the fact I never got to see him much in my adult life due to him living so far away in Carlisle and I in London. My grandad who is 77 years old now, was always apart of my life in some shape or form, whether it was through weekend phone calls to my mum which always meant I got to speak to him, or whether it was through birthday and Christmas cards, or on the rarest occasion he would come and visit my house and I would be lucky enough to see him. I always was in touch with my grandad and I knew he was around, even if I couldn't see him face to face like when I was a little girl.
As I type this on my laptop, my grandad is in hospital extremely ill and only has days maybe hours left before he is gone, this time forever. I sit here in my living room with 4 candles burning and my heart is breaking - for I never got to say a final goodbye to him while he is still with us...(my family) I sadly never got the option being so far away and having my 10 year old daughter with me. And so.... I sit here and I cry - knowing that very soon my grandad will be no more, it is in the knowing that I will never ever hear his voice again, or see him visit my house, and that I will never receive a card from him for every birthday and Christmas.
For me - There will be no more comfort knowing no matter how far away he is, he is still there, present in my life...and that however small his presence was in recent years, it still mattered to me that he was still in contact in the best way he could.
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MY Grandad & Memories
Childhood memories
1) Phone calls on the weekend
My Grandad was one of the funniest people I have ever met, he always knew how to make me laugh as a child, and he always came up with the most ridiculous but hilarious jokes possible. Without fail, and every time I spoke to him on the phone on a Saturday morning, he always made me laugh, all he had to do is talk about Mickey Mouse and I would be giggling away. He was a big kid and he enjoyed telling me, my sister and brother jokes that he had made up in his head. My grandad always asked me how I was and cared about what I had got up too.
Every Saturday, my mum would call all three of us (me, my brother and sister) to the phone and we all knew what was coming and we looked forward to it. Without a doubt he always told us the same things, and the same jokes, and we laughed away. When we got to a teenager and a little old for the jokes told, we still laughed just to make him happy. I remember when the call had ended, we all used to ask one another what our granddad had said just so we could say exactly the same thing. It used to amuse us that he always said the same thing.
2) Meeting Granddad at Wood Green
When I was younger - My mother, sister and brother and I would meet my granddad at Wood Green every now and then when we were little and on the weekend for a day out when he lived in London. My grandad would always greet us by hugging us and then we would visit a local restaurant for a meal. Usually the meal was an all day English Breakfast meal and my sister, brother and I would always have a coke even though my mother disagreed with sugary drinks. My grandad would always say to mother "Let them have it, it is a treat" and then my mother would back down. I remember being so happy to meet grandad as it was always a nice day, and after eating we would look around the shops for a few hours and my grandad would buy us sweets or a toy we wanted. I would always be sad when it was time to go home as I never knew when I would see him again.
3) My Grandad Visiting my house
In my adult life - my grandad used come down from Carlisle and visit me, my mother, my daughter and brother in London. The first time he came to visit was back in 2010. I remember being so happy to see him again after years without seeing him, we shared what was a lovely moment on my front patio where we stood talking about my area I lived in while we both lit a cigarette and puffed away. Now I had never smoked in front of my grandad nor had he and I ever had a heart to heart chat. I remember feeling so warm inside that we had this time together, that he cared enough to spend some time with me. At the end of the cigarette we both had, I turned to walk in and he said here, I looked at him and in his hand was four cigarettes that he took from his box and was giving them to me. I felt so moved by this.
Over the years, he only came to London I think 3 times, twice at the house I live in now, I think maybe in 2012 & 2013. I could be wrong on dates but the fact is he came to see us. And without fail he always spent time with my daughter while he sat on my sofa, he would play with her and her toys and even give her money to go to the shop and bu sweets. My daughter loved spending time with her great- granddad. There was one time he pretended that the toy was jumping up his arm, and he was reacting to it in such a funny way that he has us all laughing so much. It was a lovely moment that we shared and I will never forget it.
My Grandad & Dementia that led to ALZHEIMER's
The last time and final time my grandad came to my house, was for my mothers 49th birthday. For the whole visit he was a bit off from what we remembered him being, little did we know he was not too well, and that this would continue for years more... On this visit... he didn't stay long, we took a walk up to Angel and sat in a park for a short period of time, I remember feeling upset that our time was cut short but I though at least I was seeing him again. We sat there on a bench surrounded by trees and plants and had our pictures taken, and then quite quickly after that it was time for my grandad to go back to his hotel... I hugged him and then waved at him as he went to the bus stop... little did I know this would be the final time I saw him the way I knew him.
My grandad took a turn for the worst, not long after he came to London, and had a stroke, which made him so ill. We had no clue that this was just the very beginning of something much worse, and slowly... he began to loose his speech, and then within time he was unable to speak more than a word... and then the diagnosis came with a cat scan.. my grandad had Alzheimer's... my grandad... was so ill, and there was nothing we could do... from that moment on and once his speech became worse, I could no longer speak to him on the phone on the weekends... It was so surreal because I only knew my granddad through mainly phone calls and now that had stopped. The last 'call' I had with my grandad was last year in the summer and in the form of a Face-time call, he could barely open his eyes, but what he was able to say was the word "Sweetie" to my daughter and I as he struggled to see us with his glasses on.
My poor grandad... why was this happening to him?!
I haven't seen my grandad face to face since the time he visited my house back in 2013 I think....and all I feel is sheer utter sadness and disbelief that now in 2019 my grandad is dying and I will never see him in the way I remember again. and I can't believe that as I write this, he is slowly slipping away from us, and all I want to do is run to him and tell him how much I love him.
For the past 3 days, my grandad has been in hospital, for 3 days today all I have thought of is him, and the memories we shared.
Just today, I took down our Christmas Tree - I took it down and I cried, I wanted it to come down before he goes, I didn't want it to be up and know he is gone...and even though Christmas is gone, the tree was still up in what supposed to be until January 6th... for me Christmas is supposed to be a cheerful time of year and in my life time I have painfully lost two relatives who meant so much to me around Christmas... - My Greats & My Grandad.
And Although I knew my Greats a lot more, it doesn't feel any less painful, it doesn't make the loss less, because I know that my grandad was apart of my life even when far away, he was here... I knew in some way I would hear from him, that he would hear from me. Not matter how far away we were.
Just 11 days ago was Christmas Day...and now we are 5 days into the New Year...
It is hard to think that maybe by the end of the day he won't be here....but at least, he won't be suffering anymore with this terrible Alzheimer's disease... - how I wish that one day they will find a cure.
These coming days will be hard, but I know he will be in a better place, where he will be at peace.
I love you grandad <3