Last Friday was my "31st Birthday", and what a birthday it turned out to be - I didn't anticipate what sort of day I would have, all I hoped for was that it was going to be one that I could have some time for myself. To reflect over 31 years of my life, and to acknowledge all the positive things that have happened. On this day, I wanted to feel however I was going to feel. And that is exactly what I did, I felt the emotions, the laughter and the tears - For it had been 10 weeks last week since I lost my Grandad to Alzheimer's disease...and since then, I have gone through the process of grief...of loss... and it hasn't been easy.
If you would like to know a little bit more about the loss of my Grandad, please check out my two blogs on here called "A New Year Sadness- January 2019" & "Part II: A New Year Sadness- January 2019 - 'A Loss Felt Deeply'"
Chapter I: The Card that never came
Here in this picture, is the last birthday card I received in the post from my Grandad last year - And even though it was brought, written in and sent by his wife, as he was too ill, I knew it was from him. I know that - if he could write in my card he would have, as he had always done in the past for many years when I was growing up. He always loved to write, he would write pages to my mum when I was little, five or six pages at a time, saying how much he missed us.
For some reason, as my birthday approached last week, I kept hoping for a card from my Grandad's wife, saying 'Happy Birthday Granddaughter'....even though it wouldn't have been from my Grandad this time - I thought at least it would be a small part of him...but sadly, this did not happen. I guess grief displays itself in many ways with different people, so I understand that my birthday this time around may have been forgotten... for it is still all too soon.
As I have said in the other blogs on my Grandad - my birthday cards from him always meant so much to me. It showed me that I was still thought about...that I still had him there, no matter how far he was from me. It always filled my heart with joy knowing I was remembered...however little.. it was the thought that counted.
Sadly, this time, last Friday... I woke up and I felt the loss again - as though it was the day he passed away. All the feelings came rushing back to me, the feeling that he was gone for good. I made my way downstairs and the letterbox was empty... inside, a piece of me was empty. I walked into my kitchen and I cried, thinking about him, and how I wish he was still alive. There was to be no more cards, no more message saying "Love Grandad" - and that was what hurt the most.
I wiped my eyes and I got ready, for my mother was coming here to spend the day with me and I was happy to be with her. When one is upset, the first person you think of is your mother and that is exactly what I thought.
My mother arrived at my house not long after I dropped my daughter to school, and I was trying so hard to be happy on my day, for I was one year older, and I had my family here with me. I opened my presents and they were lovely, it filled me with warmth. - We then got ready to go on a day out to "Kensington Palace" - and what a beautiful day it was to visit such a lovely place. I kept thinking how lucky I was that my birthday was a beautiful 18 degrees!! Practically a hot summers day in Spring.... I joked with my mother saying that my Grandad had made the sun shine so brightly with blue skies, it truly was the hottest birthday I have had in a long time. As the last few years have been rain and winds and even on my 30th birthday where I had especially gone on adventure to Stratford Upon Avon for a change of scenery and to see all things Shakespeare!
I have always found that when the sun is out and it is warm, things are just that a little bit easier - and that even a bad day can turn into a good one. I have noticed that the warmth of the sun can soothe and can make you feel content, when one needs a little time out.
Kensington Palace Gardens
This view of the Kensington Garden's was just breathtaking to see again (and I have been many times over the years), it gave me a sense of peace and relaxation, some quality 'Me Time' - it gave me the space to reflect over the last three months that have passed, and all the great things that lay ahead for me. I sat on the brick wall here with my mum and we laughed about the brightness of the sun while we attempted to take photographs of ourselves. It was a lovely moment to spend with her and a memory I won't forget, we laughed so much as we could barely look into the camera because of the heat and light of the sun! - I truly think there is something magical about the ability to be able to find the happiness through laughter in times were you could just sit and cry.
Through the arch was a different point of view, a different perspective, such beauty and calmness surrounding me. If there is ever a place to go that could give you that need of a change of scenery, or time for some much needed reflection, this is definitely the place to visit. I found some comfort here at Kensington - and I am so grateful that it was the best weather I could ever asked for.
Looking out of the palace window: Thinking of Hopes & Dreams
Nature is one of life's best healers, it opens you up and fills your heart with joy, just standing here watching people passing by the gardens and just looking at Queen Victoria's statue in the middle, made me feel in touch with London's history, of all the stories told and all the people who lived over the centuries - standing peering out- made me think of all the things to see and do in this amazing city, and of all the dreams that I am in the process of pursuing. It also made me think about how far I have come over the years and how proud I am of myself. After all, this day out was not a normal day, it was my 31st Birthday, and I always seem to look at how far I have come in my life and what I really want for the year ahead on my birthday.
It's like the moment before you blow out the candles on your birthday cake and you make a wish - not sure if anyone else does this at my age or older but, I always make a wish when I am about to blow out the candle... I always think carefully about what I want to happen and what I hope to achieve, and then I take a deep breath and I blow out those flames.
31 years and Grateful for all I have in my life
Since my Grandad passed away, I have been more aware of the people I have in my life and how much they all really mean to me. It has made me spend more time with my family, and be able to say to them how much I care. In this busy life we all live in, it is easy to not say the things that should be said more often. We run around, we work, we sleep, we study, we shop, we socialise, sometimes without actually being properly aware or being completely present and the little time left is spent stressing about what still needs to be done. It leaves such little time to just sit for a second and be thankful of all you have in your life RIGHT NOW. - Here....today, in the now, what are we most grateful for? For me, it is all my family, mine and my families health, my house with its little secret garden and for all my dreams that I am pursuing one at a time.
Visiting Kensington Palace made me realise all the little moments that mean everything, the simple things in life. - the importance of a smile, a laugh - enjoying the now. There is a quote I love from 'Lord Of the Rings' that I read when I am feeling crappy about something that has happened and I thought I would share it with you, in the hopes it may help you through some hard times, or times you doubt yourself and all your worth or even the journey or the road you are on...
The scene I will speak of is when Frodo and Gandalf are in the mines of Moria and Frodo is beside himself with the loss of everything he held dear meaning, 'The Shire' - his home - and he says....
"I wish the ring had never come to me....I wish none of this had happened....' and Gandalf softly replies - "So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide, all you have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to you"
I always find this dialogue very comforting - When my Grandad first passed away, I felt a deep sadness that he was not here anymore, I wished he hadn't gone.... but of course, you can't change what is or was. So I guess, the point I am trying to make is that, the sun will rise and a new day will begin - and that is part of the healing process. Your journey continues and you make more happy memories to remember etc - and you hold the past memories close to your heart.
And this is what this birthday has taught me, being a little older and wiser, to focus on the present moment, the now, and to be grateful for all I have around me just that little bit more. - And to make an extra effort to tell those around me that I love them more, and to see them often as I can.
