~ Introduction ~
Christmas time is supposed to be a time for "Comfort & Joy", it is a time where there is hope, love, and also where family come together to spend the most 'wonderful time of year' in each others company. It is a time for the preparation for the New Year which is around the corner - And for dreams of what could be and what the future year may hold.
BUT for me, an 8 year old little girl that I was back in the Christmas of 1996, it was a time of pain, and extreme loss, for I had lost someone so dear to me in such a short space of time. I had lost someone who had been like a mother to me, who taught me so much about life and family, who gave me so much hope and warmth while she held me in her arms. She was a strong woman who stood her ground, who was always positive. She always knew how to make you laugh, to brighten up the not so good days. Little did I know back then, that she was also someone who fought battles behind closed doors - of her own struggle with the loss of her husband, my great- granddad, many years before I was born. She kept his ashes on-top of her TV, just so she could see him everyday. Years after my great-granddad passed away, she struggled with loneliness in many forms, from the loss of her husband, to the loss of friends. Year passed and she lost her independence due to old age. She had became much more weaker, but despite this, she was still my 'Greats', as I used to call. Even in these hardest of times she was always was her bubbly self - so special in every way.
She was My Great-nanny and I loved her soo much.
My Greats, ALWAYS had the biggest smile on her face every time I visited her, she made me feel warm and loved so very much. She never ever let on she was upset or struggling because her mood would always be lifted when me and my sister arrived at her home in London, with my mother. My great-nanny once turned to my mother and warmly said - "Thank you for having the children" she was so happy that she had us in her company to cheer her up, it really did make her have something to look forward to everyday. Which makes me so emotional as I think about it now, as I write this on my laptop.
My great-nanny made me have something to look forward to everyday, she always found a way to cheer me up when I was sad, she was my comfort in hard times, she was my comfort in good times. She made me feel warm inside and happy. She was my world and I never imagined my life without her. I used to visit her house everyday and she was so present in my life. Always playing with my sister and I, singing songs to us while we sat on her lap, she always loved telling us stories about her past. She tried to teach me how to knit, and even though I never got the hang of it, it did not matter, as it was not about that to me, it was about spending time with her - And having her undivided attention, which she always gave me, no matter what.
A Few Memories I hold dear
I will never forget the days when I was approaching my great-nanny's home with mother and my sister - this is because of the incredible happiness I felt inside my chest as I approached her estate gates, that led into many flats. When I close my eyes, 23 years later, I am still there, in that moment and in slow motion. Running as fast as I could past the gates of the entrance of the estate to her garden. I remember me screaming "Great-nanny" until I got to her front door. She always had her front door open for us, waiting for our arrival. Apparently she could hear us from all the way down the road - giggling. When I got to her front door, she would be standing there smiling away, waiting for the weekly routine ritual of me pretending to sit her in her seat. Without a doubt she would always say "OOOO" and then she would sit in her seat and laugh away. It always made me laugh and it became something that we shared. It was our weekly ritual - it was our hello, and I held it dear to me.
Another memory was when my Greats would sing "I'm forever blowing bubbles" to me while I sat on her lap, or when she would sing "This is the way the lady rides" or "Two little Dicky birds" or EVEN "Lets go and fly a kite" - As you can see - she never did fail to spend time with me. It was another thing we shared every time I visited her.
Truth is, my great-nanny accepted me for me, for my tantrums, for my over excitement and for my loudness with my sister. She accepted me for the times me and my sister did a few naughty things when we were bored while she watched her snooker on TV- One time we pretended to do an operation on an old teddy she gave us to play with - little did she know we did this with one of her sewing needles from her sewing kit!! We had opened up the teddy using scissors we had found laying around and was pulling out the fluff from the teddy! And of course - it was not long before she noticed our not so brilliant idea! She caught us with her RUBBER GLOVES on that was meant for washing up and you can imagine the look on her face when she saw what we had done! I mean it wasn't the most cleverest thing to do! But hey we were only children, my greats took the teddy off of us and told us we were never to play with it again. OOPS!
Another time was when my sister and I had dug up her garden, and there was soil everywhere, all over the patio - What we were attempting to do was collect the worms from the soil but we got too carried away, you know, as little kids do! I remember my great-nanny coming out of her house saying from her chair - "What on earth are you two girls doing out there?" to which we quickly attempted to tidy before she came out to see, and of course my Greats made it to the door and she then told us off - and of course we were told that we could never play in the garden again, but my greats being my greats, did not keep to this as she knew it is what kids do.
Oh.... what funny memories I have! I am actually laughing right now as I sit here - because my sister and I did the most silliest of things ever imaginable and yet our Greats always welcomed us with open arms despite our little hiccups. For that's what family is all about - accepting others for who they are and still loving them - through the good and bad.
A goodbye I never wanted to say
"Loss through a child's eyes"
As an 8 year old, it was hard to understand what loss was, for I had never lost anybody I loved in my life back then. So you can imagine the shock, the sheer confusion of my younger self when I saw my greats decline so quickly just after Christmas day, and also when I heard that my great-nanny had passed away. It felt so sudden, I guess every loss feels sudden, but this really was. Within 9 days.... she was gone.... for good.
It all began on 21st of December on my Greats 81st Birthday- when the adults (My Family) had learnt that Greats was really unwell, so much so that she barely spoke on her birthday, nor did she open her presents as she was in a lot of pain. When we reached the hospital, it turned out that she had a huge hernia in her stomach that needed urgent surgery. At first doctors thought she wouldn't make it through it all. I remember everyone gathering worried when she went into the operating theatre and I didn't understand what was happening. I remember giving her a hug and that was it. Being as young as I was, I think it was hard for the adults to talk to me about what was really happening to my Greats.
When she came out of the surgery she was OK, well as OK as one could be. We all thought she was on the road to recovery and would soon be out of hospital back at her home where she once was. Little did we all know she would never see her home again....for she went into a coma shortly after surgery and from that moment - I started to feel my heartbreak. As young as I was, I knew something was very wrong, my family sat around me and my sister in the hospital and there was this silence for us, the kids, the adults - we, the children, just didn't understand anything that was happening. How was Greats asleep for so long? I remember standing at the bottom of her hospital bed and staring at her laying there in silence.... making a weird snoring sound - was my greats going to ever wake up?
On the 29th of December - the night she went away - and for the short moment while she was still with us all, I was told to say goodbye to my Greats by mother. Just before we left the hospital, I slowly bent down at her bedside and gently held and kissed her warm hand. I remember holding on to it and not wanting to let go. My Greats, I didn't want to leave her - but I had to.
I went home and all my family didn't sleep that night, then suddenly the news came, and it was so hard to hear, for she was gone.... just 9 days before she was talking and then the next she was asleep, then suddenly she was gone. How could this be? I had just kissed her hand? not long before - I still didn't understand.
As an 8 year old, you can imagine how hard this was, up to the day we laid her to rest - I kept thinking she would wake up.... I remember when I visited her once more, after she had left passed away and she was placed in this dimly lit room. We all went around this small room staring at Greats, I still to this day remember asking my mum, if Greats would wake up and my mum quietly told me no - and with this reply, my little heart sank even deeper.
She really wasn't coming back.
When we got back home that evening, we all sat there in our living room without the extended family and we cried so much together - cuddling each other on the sofa, while listening to George Micheal's song 'Jesus to a child" on my mother's CD player.
I remembered it snowed the day we laid her at her final resting place, there was thick white snow everywhere we looked in the cemetery. Snow flakes were falling down from the sky onto my face. It was the last Christmas it snowed I think.... in London - The snow covered my tiny feet and the icy wind blew through my long thick curly hair.
Oh my Greats - so much time has passed - and yet I still miss her presence, her bright light, her warmth- 8 years of my life she made me so happy - and I thank god for the time I was given with her. For all the memories we shared. That Christmas of 1996 was the worse Christmas of my life, to loose someone who meant the world to me. Who made me feel so warm and loved inside.
As her anniversary is today - I cannot believe it is now 23 YEARS, without my Greats, nearly my whole ENTIRE lifetime since she passed away. But, still, her memories live on inside of me.
I always keep a picture of her with me on her lap on my desk - near my bedside, with a locket with her hair in, next to it. So in times I need comfort or feel lost, I hold the picture of her and I and remember the times we shared together. I may have been 8 years old back when she was here but her personality was so beautiful that all I have to do, is close my eyes, and there she is, there are our memories.
When I visit her, I always walk fast to get to her grave, for I still remember the feeling she used to give me when she was alive, the sheer joy and warmth I felt when I used to run past the gates screaming "Great-nanny" when I used to visit her at her house - as a little girl.
When I have laid flowers at her grave, it has always helped to heal the loss of her, it has comforted me- no matter how much time has passed.
I miss you Greats, each and every day <3