'The thing about change is that there is not really a pause button - what is meant to be will be. A lesson with change is that things are always set in motion - it is what makes us feel alive, it is what keeps us on our toes - and with it - brings fresh air of new beginnings.' - Jessica Phillips
Introduction
It is inevitable that things change, they have to, whether we want them to or not, time changes, people change, we change, in fact - throughout our lives, we will all go through constant change. On this roller coaster called life, nothing really stays still for long, and no matter how hard we try to hold onto a particular moment, it will pass. And what remains is the memories of what was - both the good and the bad.
I have learnt through my own experiences, that this transition of change - however big or small they may be; good things have come, wisdom has come, even healing has happened.
When I thought about writing a blog post for the last month, I did not know what to write about, for awhile there was no material that made me go "AH HUH THIS IS IT" - (Believe me, those moments don't come all the time) You see, I write from inspiration, and from the heart and always have.
When I first created this blog website, it was a way for me to share my experiences in life (however brief) - in the hopes that others who may read this, will in some way relate to a situation where they have felt the same, or maybe they could read my posts and have an understanding of a particular story I have told or at least take something away from what they have read.
- If you enjoy reading my posts, please remember to like them or comment on this website.
So without further adieu - Readers Read on!
A lot has changed over the past six months, for one thing my Grandad passed away from Alzheimer's - If you wish to know more, please read my blog in the section on this website called: 'Loss - The Grieving Process'. My Grandad passing away was indeed a big change in mine and my families life, and one that has taken time to adjust too. But, within this terrible and heart breaking time, there has been both healing and growth.
Then...if my Grandads passing was not enough change in my life...just six months ago...five days ago, my brother decided to move to Wales to pursue his dream career in an area, that was not possible to pursue here in London. I must admit, that I felt quite sad when he told me he was leaving London, where we were born and raised.
We are very close, and spend a lot of time together. So, you can imagine the tear session that happened when he packed up his car and was ready to go. I just about managed to hug him before the tears came flooding!
I had sort of known for about two months that he was moving to Wales - And yet, STILL... I got rather emotional when the change actually happened! When the goodbyes had been said. The funny thing was, I knew we will meet up, that I will visit him in Wales and also that he will come to London again. BUT, it was the change that got me all teary with a lump in my throat.
Despite our bickering from time to time as all family do...lets face it, everyone argues at some point! I was so used to him being here - with his usual comedic self. My brother is someone who can turn even the most worst day he had, and make it into a hysterically and amusing story, that would have anyone around him in fits of laughter! Especially me! He always comes out with the most animated, silliest story, while using his whole body to emphasise the grand event he had been through!
One amazing thing my brother did for me from time to time, it was the kind gesture of bringing me flowers from his old job - I now have around 6 plants that didn't wither away, sitting on my en suite living room balcony and also on my front patio. It brought a smile to my face every time my brother would say he had some flowers for me. Over time, he inspired me to start buying myself my very own flowers and planting them all by myself! To be honest, planting flowers is quite therapeutic and it is always lovely seeing them blossom and sway beautifully in the wind - As I write this, my flowers are 'dancing away' in the hot sun, surrounded by my washing on the line.
I have found that in this change that I have experienced over the past 6 months, there has been moments of stillness, where I gathered my thoughts and reflected. Where I let all be what it is. Sometimes, that's all we need to do to ground ourselves. To look at own journey in our life and be content in the present moment, despite the change that is happening around us.
I believe there is beauty in the stillness - where you observe, where you heal - Maybe just having 10 minutes a day to have that time, could do so much good, both for the body and for the mind.
Recently - I have had this lovely routine after I put my daughter to bed, where just before sunset, I boil my cute little red kettle, and I make a yummy green tea. I then open my living room balcony door and I sit or stand on my balcony as I watch the sun-setting. In this moment I am still - while I listen to the seagulls flying over me- And I reflect on the day and on the change that I have experienced thus far.
The moment where I see the sun going down, is when I feel this warmth within me, the possibility of a new beginning on the horizon - ready for me to welcome it. I have stood there, on my balcony, quite a few times now, just watching the sky change colour. I have felt grateful for all I have - and for what I have accomplished. I look up at the sun fading and I think about all the exciting things I want to do next. It is truly a really lovely feeling, just to be in the present moment. Nothing more, nothing less.
The best part of change is this- YOU have the ability to choose how you view it. Change can bring about strength and growth - no matter the storm - a rainbow is always there on the horizon, waiting for you to notice it, in all its beauty.
Dust yourself off and try again
When my Grandad was in hospital back in January this year - I applied for something I always wanted to do - for around six years, while I was studying my BA HONS in Theatre and Drama. I just did not get the chance to try it out. And so - I plucked up the courage and I wrote fifteen pages of a script, which further led me to an unexpected audition. I could not believe that I had got that far, in the 3 stage of the process of the audition; and so I was rather nervous. But I thought, 'you never know until you try'.
In my audition I chose to go first, I actually said - "I don't mind going first" - which not too long ago, I would have always waited for my turn. In all my performing situations - I would always be the last - because to be quite honest - I AM AN INCREDIBLY SHY person! Even if it is something I love! So, what was so amazing about this experience is that I had gone first, on my own accord and it felt sooo unbelievably good and empowering!
I sat there, and I showed off my portfolio proudly, of all my photographs with my past performance work, and with all my writing and it felt good. I was a single mother and I was pursuing what I loved! For once, I was just me, awkward, creative and trying to find my spotlight in a career that is so hard to get into, no matter how talented you are!
I finished the hour audition and I walked out of the building and I smiled in the sun, on the way to the tube station, with my earphones in, listening to quite emotional music playing. As I walked through the tunnels of the tube and as I turned the corner into the platform, the emotions that I had held in for so long, suddenly came out. I had finally done it! I was so brave and I got through it, on my own! I had applied for this opportunity at a time when I felt so very sad inside. This audition had brought me so much warmth and gratitude for even having the chance to step inside of a world, that I had longed to be within.
And then the message came- a few weeks later and it read -
"Dear Miss Jessica....
Thank you for applying for....but...unfortunately..."
OH BOY.... was it not the email I wanted to read! Especially as I was outside shopping for an outfit - for a project I was working on. But, despite this rejection and my heart that felt crushed, there was one thing that brought a smile on my face. And that was that I was going to be visiting a beautiful place, that I had put on hold to visit, for so long. And the most amazing part is that they required a dress code - So, there was the good in the bad, I had been given another opportunity to get all smart for one day! IT WAS A DATE....with my research! Just me and my archive documents.
To be honest, I've always thrived when I have delved into a project and have done my own research, because I get to see places that not everybody gets to see. I get to hold precious pieces of history.
Despite the bad news and setback that happened - I got on that tube to Covent Garden - with my head held high- with my and smart dark blue dress on, my black tights and my high heel shoes. Today, I thought, I was the researcher, the writer and I felt super important and soo excited!
One of my favourite Dali lama's quote is:
'Remember sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck' - and I must agree that this was entirely true in this instance and a few others in the past.
Anyway....back to my Garrick club visit....
After getting off the tube and walking a little way....I walked up to the building called “The Garrick Club” - This was brave me.... I was going to be doing important research!
I approached the door of the club and it was kindly opened for me with "Good morning ma'am" from a smartly dressed porter. I smiled and said "Thank you" and stood confidently at the bottom of the stairs, while looking up at the portraits on the staircase wall - I was then met by the curator of the clubs library. We shook hands and went up to this lift and down a corridor to a room with a huge desk, lamps and old fashioned seats.
There was also a fire place with portraits above it on the wall! I was given my own big desk and my research I asked for - And I sat there and smiled as I soaked it all in. I was here finally and it was beautiful. I was doing what I loved the most.
You see - the change in my life at the beginning of this year had brought me something new - it brought me inspiration -and something very close to my heart to focus on and get all excited about. In life, not everything will go according to plan, not everything goes the way you want - but if you are lucky enough - a little spark may ignite and your passion from within, which may guide you in the right direction.
Since visiting this beautiful place for my research, I have been busy getting all I need to begin my writing - I actually have 3 projects I have been working on - one has been on and off over the past year! Yes, us writers have the ability to juggle projects, and sometimes we can get stuck - and loose the momentum we once had on a project! And that is nothing to be ashamed of - as long as you have saved your work and it is accessible, all is certainly not lost - because you can go back to it, whenever the time feels right, you can return to old writing and you can make it better - because there has been time away to get more inspiration and ideas to add to it. Which in turn makes the finishing product even better.
My brother leaving London got me thinking about the importance of going with the flow - trusting my own journey, wherever it takes me. You see, he was scared of the new beginnings he was to face - the change of location, the new course that would lead him to his dream career - BUT, through his change - good things came - he is know pursuing his dream.
If there is anything I would like you to take from the blog, it is to really believe in yourself, your creativity, and to trust the change - knowing that anything can be accomplished - and even though change can be scary - if we do not move forward in life, we may miss doors opening that could lead to very beautiful things further down the way.
Don't miss those opportunities that are there for you, just because of past rejections, or because change happened, take a leap of faith folks- and go with your heart! Listen to it, nurture it- it is a case of working through the bad to get to the good - better yet - the amazing! Trust me, all will be as it is meant to be in the end, one day at a time. As long as you live in YOUR truth, YOUR Authenticity, and follow your dreams.
Jess xo