New Years Resolutions?

A New Year - 2019

Goodbye 2018

Another Year has officially passed, we have now gone into a brand New one and yet somehow I still feel that something inside lingers from the year before. To be honest, I can't quite put my finger on what it is but as I began shouting the countdown out from the BBC One TV broadcast to the New Year, and as Big Ben rung its bells and as the whole of the UK welcomed in the New Year of 2019... I suddenly realised, I just didn't feel that ready for the New....

Every year I have always felt prepared for 'The New Year' - in fact I have welcomed it with open arms, a few times I was standing tall and hopeful opposite the Millennium wheel (also known as 'The London Eye') ready for the massive firework display to take place and for the huge celebration with my family and with all of London. Although most years I have spent 'The New Year' at home in my fluffy winter pjs with a 50 pack of party poppers from Sainsbury's at the ready, all laid out on my living room table, and with a small bottle of snowball next to me...

Every time, without fail, I have always been prepared...always felt like 'this is it' - 'this will be my year'

BUT for some reason, I just didn't feel it this New Year for 2019, not in the usual way I used to? WHY you may ask? Well.... there are many reasons.... I could probably come up with enough to last me a lifetime! But one reason that hangs over me, that is stopping me from REALLY feeling what should be 'A Fresh Start' - or thinking, out with the old and in with new, is... I just don't know what lies in store for this new year, and too all the unknown destinations that lie ahead.

Plans, Pursuing dreams- My thoughts out-loud

Lights, Camera, No Action.... ?

Looking back, I have never really been one with a set in stone kind of plan, well not really, I have never known what is coming next. Every accomplishment has mainly come by doing something spontaneous - and in the moment. BUT when pursuing that THING I have longed for, I have never really known where it would lead me...so I have not always been confident to follow it through.

To be honest, for the last two years I have felt lost - WHY? - because I had a rejection, a rejection of my work that I held so dear to me. I let it stop me from continuing on the path I wished to go down. And so, instead of brushing it off, I temporarily let go of my passion, my dream, which was to be in the theatre, whether as an actor or a writer, I just wanted to be apart of this amazing world... something I had always dreamt of from a young age of just 10.

In time, I found myself again, the THING that made me get excited, that gave me hope for what is to come and in the last year I have felt I am close to finding this again. I have had little glimmers of rediscovering my passion, which is for writing.

I started writing plays and documenting my life since I was a little girl, I used to love picking up that pen and just jotting down my thoughts onto a page. But as I got older, it got harder to keep that young spirit inside..and worry sets in... worry of the unknown...and where this writing was going to lead me. I guess, everyone experiences the fear of the unknown when pursuing something, I was told by a wise lady that "We can't always know what is going to happen, that we just have to go for it, and if it works out then that is good but if by any chance it doesn't work out then it is 'one of life's lessons, and we learn from it, that is is an experience"

So with this wisdom I set off trying to make my impact, my voice be heard, and I find that as I write I feel more and more excited for I am doing what I love!

Going for it - way Back when

~ New Directions ~

Back in 2012 - I took a huge leap of faith, I listened to my passion, desire and began a journey of what would be 4 whole years studying at University in Theatre and Drama. Now at the time I decided this path I had gone through such a heartbreaking experience. I had nearly lost all hope that things could get better. Then one day, a feeling inside me made me take action to change my life and embark on a new direction. I thought to myself I want to to return to study to continue my dreams in the Arts and so that's exactly what I did!

Again this all happened at the spur of the moment, the dire need for change and it came from actually doing something positive. By deciding things needed to change. And I must admit it was the best decision I could have made.

Since University I have written my first magazine article, and I am writing my 2nd play! I have even started this blog which I always wanted to do. I also have got two books on the side with chapter 1 already written. So there are things bubbling away, ready to happen.

So why then, did I think that I wasn't ready for the new? that I didn't have a plan? maybe it was because I have many ideas to pursue with my writing, but that just isn't enough.

I guess you just have to focus on one goal and complete that before you can really move on to the next project, and that is what is hindering my progress, for I have many ideas and cannot pick one. So I have ended up with having unfinished works saved to the laptop! Which is not good at all if I want to get my work out there, if I want it to be recognised!

Starting from now, my new years resolution will be to focus on one task, one plan, instead of in the spur of the moment. To be able to continue on one piece of my writing instead of pondering if it is good enough to be read.

ADVICE TO SELF: Not all writing is good writing but that never stopped it from being written, it never stopped it from being read. Some days the writing sucks, and some days it will thrive and be beautiful. Let it be what it is then edit it! Just make sure there is writing on the page, then go from there.

Being February the time is now, while there is a whole year ahead to make mistakes, for getting it right, for pursuing what I love, for being confident in the unknown knowing that it could either go two ways and either way you learn and gain something. You fail you learn, you win you gain.

Here's to 2019 whatever it holds <3